Marriage. It's not on the top of my list of priorities in life and I could live without it, but I do like the idea of having a big party to celebrate loving someone for the rest of your life. Mainly because I like parties, especially cake.
Mmm, cake.
Josh and I are not traditional romantics. We would both rather have a messy, beery night at Inferno than go out to a fancy dinner. We give each other a cuddle as often as we smack each other over the head when one of us makes a terrible joke. We say "I love you' as often as "You're a douchebag". In a loving, juvenile way, of course. And that's the way I like it. Sure, we have our mushy, sentimental moments, but I'd rather keep those private because that's how they're supposed to be.
So I'm fascinated by the discovery of a blog called STFU Marrieds, a blog that chronicles the Facebook activities between married couples.
I'm pretty crap at relationships in general, so I guess it does no harm to learn about the institution of marriage. Doesn't look like it'll get any better in the future if this blog is anything to go by.
- You're not allowed to stay the night at your friend's house. That's a bummer. I used to stay over at my mate's house all the time after work and would pass out on his couch after getting disgustingly drunk. Josh never had a problem with it, mainly cuz this was at 3 in the morning and he was usually asleep. Can't say he's ever thrown me out of the house because of it either.
Husbands who work are obviously neglecting their wifey poos, too.
NO EARNING MONEY OR HAVING OUTSIDE INTERESTS FOR YOU, MR HUSBAND!
- You must update your Facebook whenever you're doing anything with your loved one.
"Here you go babe, I made breakfast in bed because I love you so much." "Awesome! (stuffs toast in mouth) I have to tell everybody on Facebook! (whips out laptop out of nowhere and munches on bacon)" "Um...babe? Hello?"
- It's totally okay to air your passive-aggressive relationship problems that most people would struggle to say in private... on Facebook.
Do these couples not have mutual friends? Pretty sure Josh's friends on my friends list wouldn't be impressed if I posted on Facebook every time we had a fight.
- There is nothing to do in life except wait for your husband to come home.
- Forget going to the movies, to the pub, out for a drive, out to dinner, or to a show... All married couples do is watch TV on the couch together. I barely watch TV. Obviously I will be a crap wife.
- It's not TMI if you're married. Everyone on Facebook needs to know about your sex life, cuz you're married and it's very very special.
- But I guess the crux of all this Facebook married business is that married couples think everybody on the Internet wants to know everything they're doing and that they're married.
“I’m looking for a lady in public, but a shameless hussy in private.”
This tender line was written in a 50-year-old man’s RSVP profile. Clearly, he knows the way to a girl’s heart.
My good friend Jasmine and I have a great hobby: combing through profiles on online dating sites and laughing at the terrible ones.We do this because we’re horrible, horrible people.
But really, if you’re a balding goth that craps on about Norse mythology, or you upload a photo of your obese, hairy self wearing only tiny rugby shorts, you really should expect to be laughed at.
I must say, I’m glad that I’m not single and to the point where I’m trawling these online dating sites, otherwise I’d be extremely depressed. The good men are obviously socially interacting in the outside world and the other ones are trying to find a lady on the ‘net.
Anyway, profiles tell a lot about a person. I’ve learnt to read between the lines and see who the real man is behind “a nice guy looking for the girl of his dreams”.
1. On Interests A lot of profiles are quite insistent on “an active lifestyle”. Basically, there seems to be a lot of single jetskiers/rollerbladers/tennis players/etc looking for love. And they’re looking for a lady to do all of that with. Here I was thinking that these guys were looking for a root, but they’re actually really looking for a chick to play badminton with.
Manblading can disturb your perfectly balanced beer, not to mention your libido.
What he’s trying to say: I’m not a fat nerd that sits around on the net all day, even though I’m on a dating site. Reality: NO FAT CHICKS.
On the flip side, a lot of online dating wannabes also mention that they don’t like going out to pubs/clubs and would rather stay at home and watch DVDs. Now I have nothing against that, but its said like us pub-going folk are horrible sleazy people who will be lonely for the rest of their lives, because they like have a schooner or two down at their local. That's not true! Only about a third of pub-goers are sleazy, lonely old men.
What he’s trying to say: I’m a gentleman because I don’t get wasted and grind up on random ladies. I’ll even watch girly movies with you. How sensitive and lovely of me. Reality: I probably can’t handle my liquor.
I find this very depressing because I am not an active lady and I enjoy tequila shots.
2. On being a gentleman or a nice guy Based on personal experience, nearly every guy who says that they’re “gentlemen” or “nice guys” are the complete opposite. Be wary of words like “chivalrous”. Sure, the gentlemen of old did nice things like open doors and pull out chairs, but then again women used to be exchanged for real estate and people used to think the world was flat. So-called "gentlemen" often do not understand concepts like women standing up for themselves, having lives of their own and enjoying themselves without having dinner bought for them. They're about as fun as going out with your Dad. If your Dad was the dude from 10 Things I Hate About You.
“Nice guys” are a different kettle of fish altogether. You know those guys who whinge that “nice guys finish last” and neglect the fact that their wooing techniques are outdated, annoying or just plain creepy? Rather than go on about it, I shall direct you to this incredibly accurate livejournal entry on the topic.
“Romeo! Romeo! GET THE HELL OFF MY BALCONY BEFORE I SLAP A RESTRAINING ORDER ON YOUR ASS!”
Let’s just say that I’ve met my share of “nice guys” and “gentlemen”. They’re all the same. They disguise themselves as super sensitive guys for some reason, because apparently, as a woman, I’m into guys who spend more time crying and styling their hair than I do.
You know what I like? Guys who don’t need to explain how nice they are and just do it naturally. It’s like when people have to explain a joke; if it needs to be explained, it’s probably not funny.
Indeed, why do girls go for the bad boys? Because they’re better in bed.
What they’re trying to say: I’m a gentleman and a nice guy. Reality: Women exist to be girlfriends and make my life complete. I’m going to buy you flowers and if you don’t praise me like a god and let me have sex with you, I’ll stab you in the face. Oh no, where are you going? Please don’t leave me, I love you. FOREVER.
3. On coming across as mentally unstable Online profiles are hard to write. How do you really capture the true essence of your being in a few words?
There’s a golden rule of dating that says: Don’t talk about the ex on the first date. Some guys seem to cancel themselves immediately by talking about the ex and other such heartbreak on their profiles.
Seriously, when I was single, a few prospective internet daters decided preface them asking me out by telling me their girl problems. The bitch that fought with him, the whore that manipulated him, the beautiful woman that rejected him, the “women are awful” rant…followed by “So, wanna go out sometime?” What do they reckon girls would think? “Ooh, he’s a misogynist with emotional baggage. Take me now.”
They’re usually the same sort of guy as the “nice guy” above. Watch out!
What they’re trying to say: I’m a beautiful, wounded soul with a broken heart that only you can heal. Reality: I’ve got issues.
4. On what they’re looking for Obese, crusty old men with neckbeards have no right to specify that they’re only looking for a slim, attractive, possibly Asian woman ten years younger than them, and that bigger girls need not apply. End of story.
Beware the dreaded neckbeard!
What they’re trying to say: I like pretty ladies. Reality: I have unrealistically high standards.
5. On being a wanker I’ve only come across a select few of these profiles but they exist. Basically, they’re indie dudes who pride themselves on not being conventionally masculine and patronising anyone who is. Their favourite movies/music/books reads like somebody compiled a list of alternative pop culture to namedrop in order to sound cool. They effectively patronise people by saying things like, “if you’re the type of girl who ‘lykez having fun wif her friends lol’, don’t talk to me.”
If you’re the type of guy that wears berets and ‘adores post-modern arthouse movies and T.S Eliot’, don’t talk to me.
There was a fellow that Jas and I looked at who rambled on about how his dream girl has to match his level of intelligence. It’s a long story, but basically this fellow was going to ask me out over myspace, despite the fact I’ve never met or talked to him. I seem to attract a lot of unstable men, for some reason. Anyway, said fellow is coincidentally in some of my uni classes (small world again); his “intelligent” contributions to the lectures are so utterly banal that I’m embarrassed for him. Imagine if I had gone out with him! I can't see that relationship lasting beyond a single wanky comment in a lecture, followed by me throwing my laptop at him.
Again, if you have to explain to people that you’re intelligent, you’re probably not.
The irony of this is that no matter how intelligent and cultured and so goddamn different you try and appear to be, you can’t escape the fact that you’re advertising yourself for romance on a commercial dating site.
What they’re trying to say: I’m a very interesting person. Reality: I have a massive ego. Massive. My god, I just do not understand why women don’t flock to me at the thought of my enormous, throbbing…brain.
6. On Being "Open Minded"
What they're trying to say:I am open minded. Reality: I like kinky anal sex.
And I haven’t even gotten started on the women. They’re more or less the same anyway, but without neckbeards. That’s a blog for another day…
And with my powers combined, I am… A BAD DATING PROFILE!
"Why don’t girls like nice boys?” Hi, I’m a nice guy looking for a nice girl. A nice girl is someone who is nicer than my ex-girlfriend, who is a SELFISH BITCH WHORE WHO NEEDS TO DIE.
I’m into paragliding, lacrosse and curling. I’m looking for a girl who likes doing all these things with me. I hate going out to bars, clubs, parties, or any event where people are talking and smiling and whatnot. When I’m not paragliding, playing lacrosse or curling, I like watching DVDs at home.
My favourite movies are anything foreign and anything that David from The Movie Show likes.
As you can see in the picture, I have auburn hair, brown eyes and broad shoulders.
I’m a chivalrous gentleman who is into holding open doors, buying dinner and not letting you vote. Drop me a line ;)
Who I'm looking for: I’m looking for a girl who is petite, has the body of Jennifer Hawkins, around ten years younger than me and can keep up with my witty, intelligent banter.
DISCLAIMER IN CASE YOU MISS THE POINT OF THINGS AND ARE ABOUT TO SEND ME AN ANGRY COMMENT ABOUT HOW HORRIBLY SEXIST I AM: This isn't a rant against ALL men. I quite like most men, and I find I get along with the opposite sex better than other women. Most of them are kind, fun and wear nice cologne. This is an entry mocking men who are obviously trying too hard in the dating game and put ridiculous things on their profiles that drive women away without them realising it. And I think some women are pretty stupid too. Just so you know.
(wrote this a while ago, but recently finished it for a tute exercise)
It's official. I have a nerd fetish.
They're babes and you know it.
Characteristics which attract the opposite sex are usually quite generalised. Some women like the studly, muscly type, with sculpted stubble and a bum that can crack walnuts. Some women are into the arty, sensitive type, who wear poor boy caps, waffle on about politics, and drink imported beer. Some women are even into the effeminate emo types, like some girls like squealing over plush toys.
I've gone out with a few different types of guys. From a Filipino break dancer to a gothic weightlifter, it would seem that I have a rather eclectic taste in men. However, I have recently realised what my taste really is, and why I've picked the right man.
My friend Katey recently showed me this epic video - Ryan Vs Dorkman. They're two young men duelling each other, lightsaber style.
You may notice the part in the video when Dorkman slashes Ryan's leg. Ryan stumbles for a second, then assumes a ready stance. The camera zooms in on Dorkman, who wields his lightsaber, adjusts his glasses, and fixes a steely glare at Ryan.
"Mmm," I said. "Dorkman's dreamy." "I'd hit that," agreed Katey.
Wait a minute. I was swooning over a bespectacled, lightsaber-wielding nerd. Aren't I supposed to be salivating over Justin Timberlake or something? Squealing orgasmically at Zac Efron? Humping the air at Orlando Bloom?
It's simple; I love nerd boys. Yes, that's right. The ones that get excited about video games and swordfighting. The ones that indulge in internet humour and call each other n00bs. The ones that have spirited debates over whether Wiis are better than Playstations and if pirates could beat ninjas. The socially awkward ones that stammer when they talk to girls. The pale, slightly plump or slightly skinny and glasses-wearing ones. I found myself watching the bumbling, socially awkward boys in Superbad and declaring, “They’re all babes. Especially McLovin’.”
Of course, you get the odd horrible nerd who will think you're pathetic because you haven't watched all the Star Wars movies, and hates women because they spurn his creepy, stalkerish advances. Not to mention the ones that look at Asian girls (like myself) and associate them with ditzy, submissive anime girls who wear gravity-defying short skirts. But they're a minority.
I think it's because I'm a bit of a nerd myself. I'm instantly comfortable around a nerd because nerds are less likely to snub you because you're into retro video games, B-grade horror movies and saying "LOL" in public. “Normal” guys just don't understand.
Nerds are fantastic to date. Most of them are intelligent, have an unpredictable sense of humour and can fix your computer. And picking up a nerd boy is a piece of cake; you don’t have to dress like a catwalk model. In fact, you’d get more of a response if you wore a shirt making an obscure reference to an old Nintendo game.
Most girls dream of a muscly Prince Charming who will dress like he just walked off the set of “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy”, take them out to expensive restaurant, then light rose-scented candles when they take them back to their high-rise city apartment. It sounds nice, but I can't help thinking that I'd die of boredom in the middle of it. I can't be the only girl like this. Give me a nerd guy who will take me to see a Tarantino movie, eat pizza then take me back to his messy bedroom to play Wii Tennis anyday.
It was 3am. I was lying in a strange park, alone, where my supposed friend had left me to go have sex with a stranger.
"It's 3am. Do you know where Ellie is?" "I told you for the last time, no!"
I wish I was making this up, or it was a scene in an American frathouse comedy, where we all laugh at the girl being left behind in the park as her totally hot and popular friend gets it on with a football player and they find true love.
Since then, I've been feeling hurt, angry and a little lonely. Mainly, I've been completely disgusted with humanity in general. Myself and some other people I know have lost good, potential life-long friends... through sex, and the drama that follows it.
It's usually the "I'm really drunk" or "I'm just really horny" sort of sex. I personally don't understand that sort of thing. The times I've had sex were in relationships. There have been times where I have had the opportunity to have casual sex, but refused. I'm not comfortable enough with my body to show my nudity to many people. I also have a habit of getting a bit too attached when somebody shows interest in me.
Basically, I'd be the sort of girl who would cuddle after sex, ring them the next day and hold their hand in public. Then it would inevitably end in tears, with me sobbing "Why don't you LOVE me? WE MADE LOVE!" and him screaming "STOP CALLING ME, YOU STALKER". Yep, casual sex isn't for me.
Me: The Bunny Boiler.
But that's not really where my disgust lies. We are all human, after all. I could really care less about other people's sex lives.
My disgust lies in the way that casual sex seems to be prioritised above so many things in people's lives. As mentioned before, it has destroyed some good friendships. Nearly everybody has had that one (or two) friends who have pursued their ex, who still has a place in their world; or more seriously, the person who agrees to helping their friend’s significant other cheat. I just don't understand how these things happen.
I was once in a relationship where due to various circumstances (mainly, both of us being completely dysfunctional), I barely saw my friends and my boyfriend was put above everything else. It wasn't healthy and I was extremely lonely. After the ex and I broke up, I methodically went to get my friends back. I was much happier. I learnt my lesson - that friends are far more important than being able to kiss a boy, any day.
And so, I thought, from the nagging I had gotten from my friends when I came back to them, I supposed that everybody else knew this as well. Everyone needs friends. Part of friendship is looking out for each other and, well, not hurting each other.
How is it okay to prioritise getting some cock over considering your friend's feelings and safety?
I'd rather go hang out with my friends than get intimate with a cock.
The aforementioned friend in my horribly ridiculous tale claimed that I spent time with my boyfriend when I should have been spending time with her. Yet, I got in trouble for not entirely supporting her when she went to go have sex with that fellow.
Has humanity really gotten to a stage where a drunken shag is deemed more significant than a healthy, long-term, romantic relationship? Have the single people vomiting upon the sight of a couple finally won out the competition of “What is the status quo”?
I'm beginning to feel like a freak. We’re told to “have fun” because we’re young so we’d better go out, get paralytic-drunk, take lots of drugs and go have sex with everybody. Because we only live once, and live fast die young, etc.
I don't see the appeal in that lifestyle. Moreover, I feel like what I believe in is right, in some vague universal way. But at this moment, in this generation and while I’m at this age, it’s not.
But I’m sure that as ambiguous as moral values are now, it’s still wrong to leave your friend alone, just so you can go be young and have the drunken, sexualised mess that constitutes as “fun”.
1. Federal Opposition leader Kevin Rudd has a myspace. You can view it here. Apprently he's been getting into it and running around adding people. A Daily Telegraph article said, "At the launch of MySpace's Impact channel, Mr Rudd was talking about "adding friends" and "pimping" his profile, which is MySpace speak for sexing up his webpage with photos, videos and music."" The possible future prime minister of Australia using the word "pimping". Fantastic!
I'm not a massive supporter of Kevin Rudd but I think it's great that he's risking looking like a complete dag to get votes from the youth of Australia. You know what I mean, it's like your dad going down to the pub with his mates and saying, "Yo, I'm going to chill with my homies" while he's wearing a shirt tucked into his board shorts and socks with sandals.
The comments on Kevin Rudd's myspace are a bit of a laugh too. One has simply said, "THE RUDDMEISTER!", another says "You will pwn at the next election." I wonder if Kevin Rudd knows what pwn means? Will he find out? If he wins the election, will his opening statement be, "I am very happy that I pwned John Howard's little n00b ass"?
He also lists liking Monty Python, Family Guy and The Chaser's War Against Everything. I suddenly got a mental image of him saying, "I am the Prime Minister who says... ni!" He should, he'd get the Australian nerd vote for sure.
Ni!
2. Dan and I have been going out for three months! Exactly three months ago I dashed off to the city to meet this lovely man to see Pan's Labyrinth, where I was promptly kissed and fondled on the ankle. Sigh! I love you, Dan. You pwn my heart.
I started writing a guide on How not to Fail on the Internet and it's getting rather long. I decided that instead of posting a novel, I'll post the guide in installments.
Today's topic - Meeting Pedophiles, I mean, Internet Dating
Some of you may know that I met my man of choice over myspace. I am clearly a sad, pathetic loser with no social skills and he is a sexual predator. Ahem. Before I met Dan, other fellows on myspace were keen on meeting up with me. I took my gut feelings most of the time. A lot of them gave off creepy vibes and I wisely cut contact with them. I shall tell you how to tell which ones are worth crossing the barrier from internet to real life and which ones are in it to lure you into a van with the promises of sweet, sweet candy. (Unfortunately, the examples I am providing are true – the good ones AND the bad ones).
Contrary to popular belief, not everybody who meets someone from the internet looks like this.
It’s a lot like real life, I suppose, except that you can’t tell whether they have bad BO or not. The first thing someone says to you can tell a lot about them. I have a rule about creepy people; if they act like they’re very close to you when you first meet them, they’re creepy.
Correct: “Hi, how are you?”
Wrong: “You are hot. Will you be my girlfriend? I would like to give you a sensual French massage.”
Pictures! Pictures are way important if you want to meet somebody, and not just because you want to see how big their boobies are. Avoid the ones who show you photos that look a bit professional (altered in photoshop to cover up the ugly), with their face covered (hats, sunglasses, weird lighting), or shirtless ones (eew, eew, eeeww). After all, if they can’t trust you enough to show you what they really look like, how can you trust meeting them?
An example of a failed attempt to cover up grossness with photoshop.
Eventually, you’ll start talking to them properly. Finding that you have an affinity for video games and funky fruit hats, you may wish to meet. That’s great! You should then pay attention to the way in which they wish to meet you:
Correct (after talking for a few weeks):
“Doing anything this Thursday? We should grab lunch or something.”
Wrong (after ONE conversation): “I’d love to take you out to a candlelit dinner. Just you and me… alone.” Slurp.
The actual meeting of said person over the internet can be fraught with danger. Think of it like a blind date. Try and meet in a public area so you can run away screaming into safety if they're not the cute boy with the bulging six pack you saw in the photo, but rather a 40 year old serial killer with manboobs. And then it’s pretty much a normal date from there. Good luck and don’t get herpes!
(thankyou to Something Awful for the hideous myspace photos)
I met him this weekend. I didn't expecting that I would ever feel this way about someone. He's beautiful. Every part of him, from his clear, bright eyes, to his sturdy body that I love to hold - so close, so warm. He speaks to me warm murmurs, sensitive to my touch. Everything about him is so new and mysterious. The unknown about him excites me. When i think of him, all I feel is bliss.
And all I want to do is snuggle up in bed with...
...
MY NEW LAPTOP.
Hot damn, it's awesome. I haven't felt so excited over a new piece of technology since I got my Nintendo DS. It's a shiny, pretty Asus with a huge hard drive (hehe, huge, hard) and lots of lovely RAM. Oh and a built in webcam, for taking many silly photos I assume.
Oh come on guys, my old computer is 7 years old. And it's a Celeron (oh noes). And I can't take it on the bus with me can I?
I am currently typing this blog entry to you from the comfort of my own bed. Living the dream, as it were. Sigh.
Ellie + Laptop = 4EVA
sidenote: haha, you thought i was talking about someone else didn't you.
My friend Linda got hit on by two guys today. I teased her about it, of course, because this is the second story I’ve heard recently about men en masse vying for her affections.
“You stud,” I said.
She paused. “You know,” she said, “it’s always when I’m not looking or feeling my best. Today I was sleep deprived and stressed out from assignments. And I haven’t washed my hair for ages.”
Let’s look at case study two. My friend Aaron was having a jolly old stroll around the Queen St Mall just the other day. His self esteem was kicked up a few notches when he caught a few apparently cute girls checking him out. “You sure get all the ladies,” I teased.
“I know,” he said, “and I haven’t showered for the last three days either.”
Case study three: A man who wouldn’t look out of place as the lead singer of a band, with long scraggly hair, stubble and dirty jeans, almost always gets me swooning. I have absolutely no idea why.
I was also once chatted up on the bus (by a disgusting man I might add), on a day in which I had a remarkable blizzard of dandruff in my hair. Really, it was not me being paranoid, it was very obvious and in giant white flakes that sprinkled all over the black shirt I’d unwisely chosen to wear that morning. This did not stop the man on the bus from giving me his phone number, however.
What does this mean? It can only mean one thing, ladies and gentlemen, something that could benefit all of mankind and explain a lot of things.
UNWASHED = SEXY
Who knows why this phenomenon exists? Perhaps it is an ancient biological urge dating back to when we were Neanderthals and deodorant wasn’t invented yet. The human race got started somehow, right? Perhaps we are all too used to perfect, airbrushed, make-upped people, and dirtiness is like a secret, forbidden fetish. Perhaps BO is actually a pheromone.
What does this explain, you ask? It explains why some mind bogglingly disgusting people I know have gotten laid.
So, if you wish to attract a member of the opposite sex, do the following:
- Let them inhale your sweet, natural scent, by not showering.
- People like shiny things, and you know what’s really shiny? Greasy, unwashed hair.
- A lot of beauty advertisements tell us that looking natural is the way to go. You can’t get any more natural than unshaved armpit and leg hair.
- Let people know how much of a sexy, devilish night owl you are, by not sleeping and growing some sensuous bags under your eyes.
I hope this has been of some use to you. You’ll be shagging like wild monkeys* in no time!
Hello there, welcome to my blog. My name is Ellie. I'm a 20-year-old journalism student in Brisbane, Australia.
I'm a politically-incorrect Korean adoptee who wants to be a writer and can make a mean Long Island Iced Tea. I think about things a lot and the bits that don't stay in my brain go into this blog.
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