Tuesday, July 31, 2007


I'm back at uni. You know, you'd think that universities would be a plethora of knowledge and intellectual debate, but the conversations I heard today made me rethink this theory.

1. After reading a highly dull chapter on law in the creative industries, I took a nap on a comfy sofa in the library. However, I was rudely awakened by two girls sitting right next to me (would YOU sit next to a sleeping - possibly snoring - person who hadn't washed her hair for many a day? I think not) and discussing... potatoes. Unfortunately, I am not joking.

They then proceeded to debate about a great event in history - the Irish Potato Famine. "Wasn't that, like, when there were too many potatoes in Ireland?"
No, I think the key word here is "famine".

After attempting to go back to sleep, I awakened yet again by an obviously studly fellow (judging by the sudden increase of giggling) coming to join the two girls. You would think they would talk about other such worldly matters, like politics, philosophy, or how many Jagerbombs they drank on the weekend. But no... They continued their lively discussion about potatoes.

Good lord. I don't deny that potatoes are very tasty, but it seems like a rather odd thing to talk about. Well, at least the youth of tomorrow are passionate about something.

2. I was in the bathroom before, contemplating the complexities of life and cursing my lactose intolerance (I just wanted one coffee!) when I heard two friends having an conversation that obviously summed up their love and affection for each other:

Girl 1: (whining)Why are you taking so long? Why do I always have to wait for you?
Girl 2: Mary?*
Girl 1: Wha-a-at?
Girl 2: Get over it.
Girl 1: Shut up. Fat mole.
Girl 2: Fuck off.

*not real name

Mmm... how sweet.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Pimping Prime Ministers and lurve

Two items on the blogging agenda today.

1. Federal Opposition leader Kevin Rudd has a myspace. You can view it here. Apprently he's been getting into it and running around adding people. A Daily Telegraph article said, "At the launch of MySpace's Impact channel, Mr Rudd was talking about "adding friends" and "pimping" his profile, which is MySpace speak for sexing up his webpage with photos, videos and music."" The possible future prime minister of Australia using the word "pimping". Fantastic!

I'm not a massive supporter of Kevin Rudd but I think it's great that he's risking looking like a complete dag to get votes from the youth of Australia. You know what I mean, it's like your dad going down to the pub with his mates and saying, "Yo, I'm going to chill with my homies" while he's wearing a shirt tucked into his board shorts and socks with sandals.

The comments on Kevin Rudd's myspace are a bit of a laugh too. One has simply said, "THE RUDDMEISTER!", another says "You will pwn at the next election." I wonder if Kevin Rudd knows what pwn means? Will he find out? If he wins the election, will his opening statement be, "I am very happy that I pwned John Howard's little n00b ass"?

He also lists liking Monty Python, Family Guy and The Chaser's War Against Everything. I suddenly got a mental image of him saying, "I am the Prime Minister who says... ni!" He should, he'd get the Australian nerd vote for sure.


2. Dan and I have been going out for three months! Exactly three months ago I dashed off to the city to meet this lovely man to see Pan's Labyrinth, where I was promptly kissed and fondled on the ankle. Sigh! I love you, Dan. You pwn my heart.


Wednesday, July 11, 2007

How not to Fail on the Internet pt 1: Internet Dating

I started writing a guide on How not to Fail on the Internet and it's getting rather long. I decided that instead of posting a novel, I'll post the guide in installments.

Today's topic - Meeting Pedophiles, I mean, Internet Dating

Some of you may know that I met my man of choice over myspace. I am clearly a sad, pathetic loser with no social skills and he is a sexual predator. Ahem. Before I met Dan, other fellows on myspace were keen on meeting up with me. I took my gut feelings most of the time. A lot of them gave off creepy vibes and I wisely cut contact with them. I shall tell you how to tell which ones are worth crossing the barrier from internet to real life and which ones are in it to lure you into a van with the promises of sweet, sweet candy.
(Unfortunately, the examples I am providing are true – the good ones AND the bad ones).

Contrary to popular belief, not everybody who meets someone from the internet looks like this.

It’s a lot like real life, I suppose, except that you can’t tell whether they have bad BO or not. The first thing someone says to you can tell a lot about them. I have a rule about creepy people; if they act like they’re very close to you when you first meet them, they’re creepy.

“Hi, how are you?”

“You are hot. Will you be my girlfriend? I would like to give you a sensual French massage.”

Pictures! Pictures are way important if you want to meet somebody, and not just because you want to see how big their boobies are. Avoid the ones who show you photos that look a bit professional (altered in photoshop to cover up the ugly), with their face covered (hats, sunglasses, weird lighting), or shirtless ones (eew, eew, eeeww). After all, if they can’t trust you enough to show you what they really look like, how can you trust meeting them?

An example of a failed attempt to cover up grossness with photoshop.

Eventually, you’ll start talking to them properly. Finding that you have an affinity for video games and funky fruit hats, you may wish to meet. That’s great! You should then pay attention to the way in which they wish to meet you:

Correct (after talking for a few weeks):

“Doing anything this Thursday? We should grab lunch or something.”

Wrong (after ONE conversation):
“I’d love to take you out to a candlelit dinner. Just you and me… alone.” Slurp.

The actual meeting of said person over the internet can be fraught with danger. Think of it like a blind date. Try and meet in a public area so you can run away screaming into safety if they're not the cute boy with the bulging six pack you saw in the photo, but rather a 40 year old serial killer with manboobs. And then it’s pretty much a normal date from there. Good luck and don’t get herpes!

(thankyou to Something Awful for the hideous myspace photos)

Monday, July 9, 2007

The Cheap Student Budget

What is $750.50?
a) A lot of money
b) About what I would earn in a month if I didn't spend any of it
c) What somebody spent on lotto tickets today.
d) All of the above.

WHAT THE HELL. I couldn't get over it. This dude handed over $755 in a myriad of fifties and twenties. Wow. It would have been a glorious sight to behold, if I hadn't have been made to count it.

In my opinion, there are many more exciting things to spend $750.50 on. For instance, I could pay off my crippling laptop debt. Video games. Boutique fashion. One hell of a night out, with drinking, a personal performance by Eric Clapton and midget strippers imported from Mexico. Damn, a trip to Mexico with delicious taco meals every night! You have to wonder how rich this guy is to be able to spend that much on little pieces of paper with numbers on them.

I am disgustingly poor by comparison. I earn about $200 a week, most of which goes towards boring things like food (as I am a Hungry Hungry Hippo of a woman), petrol, taekwondo fees and my aforementioned crippling laptop debt.

"I don't know how you get by with $200 a week," said Georgia, my best friend and allmighty barista, whose recent paycheck made me look at her in a whole new light.

It isn't as horrible as you think. Let me explain to you, dear readers, the Cheap Student Budget.

- You can get a perfectly decent meal for $5. Asian food is a winner here.

- If you drive, fill up your petrol on Tuesdays and pester whoever buys your groceries to steal their fuel dockets. Also, try and get the environmentally friendly fuel because it's cheaper. Environmentally friendly fuel + fuel dockets = hooray. Oh, and because of the environment and stuff. Save the trees and shit.

- Sales and secondhand are your friends. Never, ever buy anything that isn't on sale. It's just not right. It's also handy to date the manager of a store (sorry guys, Dan and the Cotton On 25% discount vouchers are MINE). The red label will guide you, young one.

- Need to get drunk to forget the horrible pain that is your life? Drinking at your friend's house is cheaper than buying drinks at a club and catching a cab home. Especially when said friend is a dirty alcoholic and has an impressive liquor stash (I'm looking at you, Ben).

- Stuck between two things you want to buy? Pick the cheapest one no matter what.

- Screw supporting the entertainment industry. Download, download, download. My policy is that you should support smaller bands, particularly local acts, by buying their CDs, but let's face it -- mp3 downloading isn't exactly going to reduce the members of Metallica to starvation. Not that I like Metallica, but, you know.

Good luck, prospective tight-asses!

In related news, work was devillish today. I had the dreaded six hour shift, which is slightly short of having a lunch break and only allows me one ten minute break. Plus, I was surviving on three hours of sleep. It got to the point where I thought the till keyboard looked like a nice pillow and tried to figure out how to strategically arrange piles of Tax Packs into a bed.
I could not sleep last night for the life of me. It was one of those nights where I had too many thoughts, even when I was trying not to think about anything

"Empty your mind, empty your mind.... wow, cool, this is working. Oh crap, you're thinking about thinking about nothing. Way to completely miss the point of the exercise, idiot."

Friday, July 6, 2007

The Ultimate List of Rage

I don't like driving. Perhaps it's the Asian in me, but sitting behind the wheel of a potential vehicle of DEATH and wedged in between fellow idiots on the road is a surefire way to fill me with murderous urges.

However, it is a necessary evil if I wish to visit my dear boyfriend. Unfortunately, said boyfriend lives in Chermside and I have to cross the Gateway Motorway to get there.

"Gateway Motorway" is synonymous for "pit of hell where everybody turns into a shit driver". Coincedentally, I have an acute case of road rage.

For no other reason except that it has pissed me off immensely, I am going to write a list of The Ultimate Rages. I tend to screech a variation of the following when driving.

- What's wrong, I'm not going fast enough for you? Wanna tailgate me a bit more? Oh wait, I'm not going to go any faster. I'm doing the speed limit and there are speed cameras around here, you idiot. I hope you get cavity searched with a cactus.

- Overtaking me on the left and you give ME the finger? Please don't reproduce.

- What the... are you revving your car at the traffic lights? You want to race a fucking 97 Barina?! I mean, you will win because you've pimped your shitty ride, but it's like racing a kid with a gimpy leg isn't it? I bet your penis is huge.

- Lesson in communication: when I'm waving you over, it means I'm letting you go in front of me. This is, after all, a merging lane and I am very nice. No, seriously, move over, your lane is about to run out. Move. MOVE. Oh fine, i'll just overtakeOH SHIT NOW YOU'RE MOVING. FUCK YOU.

This is what i look like when i'm driving.

- Okay, I've been indicating for the last few minutes and I would like to change lanes. Hey, here's an openingAARGHHH YOU'RE SPEEDING UP. I'm going to end up at Ipswich if you bastards don't let me change lanes because your over-inflated egos won't let me drive in front of you.

- The main reason I drive on the Gateway is because you can drive at 100km/h on it. Nice and speedy. Hmm, hey person in front of me, why are you only driving at 70? Are you behind a huge truck or something? Wait a minute, I can see in front of you... THERE'S NO ONE THERE. YOU'RE DRIVING AT 70 FOR NO REASON. Okay, overtaking you now. Oh great, NOW you speed up. Jesus Christ, go home before you hurt somebody.

- That's my parking space, you son of a bitch. No, mine. MIIIINE.

- I hate you all, please die!

Sunday, July 1, 2007

World of Evilcraft

I've said it before and I'll say it again - World of Warcraft is an evil game.
It doesn't seem evil at first. For those who don't know, it's basically an RPG like an old Final Fantasy game - you select from a range of classes that pre-determine your abilities, level up and go on quests. The only difference is that as opposed to solely interacting with computer generated characters, they're real people.

Sounds harmless doesn't it?

WRONG. I've noticed a trend with World of Warcraft, and that is its ability to cause evil around the world.

First of all, you have to pay to play it. Not only do you have to buy the game itself but you have to pay about $20 each month to play it. Truly satanic.
Kids around Asia have died from playing it, simply from forgetting to eat and digest. Men have left their wives for some hot elf chick they've met online. A dude killed another dude (in real life, not in the game) because he stole a sword off him.

And now a 30 year old woman has abducted a 16 year old boy she met on it.

Never has such a game been responsible for so much death and social destruction. Perhaps World of Warcraft is cursed. Or maybe there are too many bloody nerds with dependency issues. How pathetic. Some people really need to get a life.

(Sorry this blog entry took a while to write, I was playing Runescape. My combat level went up to 14 and now I can totally pwn some n00bz. 1337.)

Past posts