So it was with great disaster that I told a huge porky to my boss today.
“I can’t work next Monday morning,” I said, “as I have a uni exam.”
“Oh, okay,” said my boss. Then she stopped and looked at me strangely. “Aren’t you on uni holidays then?”
Oh fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck, said my brain, as I metaphorically soiled my pants.
“Erm,” I stumbled, “it’s, um, yeah, I have an exam that day for some reason.”
“It’s a bit odd,” she said pointedly, and left it at that.
I’m relatively sure she knows I’m lying. You see, I don’t have an exam next Monday at all. It is my best friend’s birthday party on Sunday night and I plan to get properly inebriated with her. The funny thing is that my boss is quite a nice lady and probably would be okay with me skipping work for my friend’s party. But there is then the discourse in truth. If I had said, “Sorry boss, can’t go to work next week because I plan to par-tay hard with my best friend on Sunday night”, she would probably wonder what kind of idiot would tell that to her boss.
Definitely not what I will be doing next Monday morning*
I felt sick for the next few hours as I tried to convince myself that if my boss found out I was lying, I wouldn’t get fired. Probably just a stern talking to. I hope.
In my ideal world, everyone would tell the truth. Lies and bullshit would be outlawed. It just causes unnecessary drama. Imagine, if you will, instead of this situation, which I have heard many times:
Boy: You are an amazing and truly beautiful human being. Do you want to go out with me?
Girl: Alas, I cannot be with you. I believe our romance would destroy the beautiful friendship we hold. My fragile heart is jaded from past relationships and I would only break yours.
Boy: Boo hoo, emo fit waaah.
Later, Boy bitches and psychoanalyses the girl’s mysterious comments to all his friends. Ad verbatim. Ad fucking verbatim.
We would have a far less convoluted explanation here:
Boy: I need someone of the opposite sex to validate my self-esteem. Do you want to be that person?
Girl: No, I’m not attracted to you in the slightest.
Boy: Damn.
In this world, we could tell girls they look fat in that dress and never see bums hanging out of hotpants ever again.
Employers would have to resign themselves to the fact that their employees have lives too and need time to live them, and thus have realistic expectations of the worker.
I truly believe people would respect politicians more if they told the truth, even if that truth is not what eveybody wants to hear (At least I would know who to vote for. I am so very conflicted at the moment that I plan to vote for the Shooters Party and the Fishing Party so I can shoot fish).
Infidelity wouldn’t exist. People would say, “I want to go shag this other person” and instead of being busted on ‘Cheaters’ and screaming like fat black women, the other person would realise that the one they love isn’t worth it, and such a relationship would end with both parties somewhat satisfied.
If everybody told the truth, there would be no need for fat people taking off their clothes on Jerry Springer**
Real friends would be easier to identify and again, people would have more realistic expectations
(It's not that I don't want to hang out with you, it's that I just want to some 'me' time, okay?)
In this world, truth would be universally accepted and everybody wouldn’t get so angry about things. Subsequently, people would put more thought into their actions rather than relying on lies to get out of trouble.
Life would be so much easier. I think that would be wonderful.
* As a side note: When I looked up "exam" on Google Images, all the photos on the front page were of testicular or vaginal exams. What.
** As another side note: When I looked up "cheaters" i got porn, and that is why I chose a Jerry Springer picture instead. And you should have seen what I got when I looked up "big black woman"
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4 comments:
Bwahahaha! That was fantastic! :D
If only you didn't specify "uni" exam. Then you could have fleshed it out as a vaginal exam, and that you had to stay up half the night before to study.
Incidentally, under Queensland law, you can't get fired for something like that. Given the great Australian tradition of "the sickie", half the nation would be unemployed if lying to your boss re: drinking were an instant dismissal.
Also, you may wish to turn your Safe Search filter back on. ;)
Dear Ellie.
I want to live in your perfect world. How much is rent there?
From someone who knows all to well what its like to be lied to.
Ellie, dear, you DO know that writers lie for a living, right? That 'fiction' tag is just a nice, PC word for LONG CONVOLUTED LIES.
~ Aaron
Well me being me, I just HAD to google "big black woman", and obviously I regret having done so.
Also, in nursing we fattent hings up with BS so as to sound a little less cruel. We all do it.
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