Queen of Awkward

I am the Queen of Awkward. Seriously. See this facebook group? Read that entire list. I have done all of them.

I have done all of these too:

- When you are in the loungeroom with your parents/housemate/someone you don’t know very well and suddenly, out of the blue, a dirty sex scene starts playing on TV. With very loud moaning.

- Singing very loudly along to a song, then realising halfway through you’re singing a completely different song to the one you’re hearing.

- Making a potentially offensive joke that you think you’ll get away with but you don’t.

Eg.
Me: “And I was like, you stupid bitch, I hope you get run over by a steam roller.”

Guy: “My uncle was run over by a steam roller :(”

Me: “Um, oh dear.”


- Pressing the button on the bus but realising you’re a few stops too early. And then the bus stops and it just so happens that no one else on the bus wants to get off there and you sink into your seat and pretend you didn’t press it.

- Interrupting intimate moments between couples through silliness. Like when Mr Chicken and I walked through the Botanical Gardens last Friday night, chasing possums, and interrupted about fifteen couples mid-nookie.

- Or when I’m looking deep into his beautiful blue eyes, about to tell him how much I love him and he says something like “I really want a pet flamingo.”

- Laughing really hard and accidentally spitting on someone.

- Having to explain to a computer repair man why your keyboard isn’t working. There are worse examples out there, but mine was very seriously informing him that I had spilt beer in the keys and ants had gotten into it.

- Seeing someone across the pub you want to crack on to, but you’re too nervous. So you have about five vodkas in ten minutes and muster up the courage to say something. But instead of saying, “Hello, having a good night?” you end up saying “Blaaarghhhhh!” and being glared at by their girlfriend (who you just noticed).

- When you bump into someone you know but you don’t really like. And you’ve looked at each other and you know they recognise you too, but you don’t want to talk to them. So you’re left with one option: Pretend you’re someone else, and give them a weird look like they’ve recognised the wrong person.

- Being rushed to hospital for a very unsexy female-related emergency and being examined by a very attractive, young male doctor.

- Someone walking in on you doing something weird. I don’t mean like wanking, I mean cleaning out your ears with a cotton tip. Or plucking the hairs from your upper lip with tweezers. Or very, very carefully popping a huge blister on your big toe.

- When your parents invite their friends over with their children and you’re forced to make small talk with each other. Thankfully, it’s not so much of a problem these days thanks to moving out of home and the wonderful invention of alcohol.

- Answering the phone, when you’re reduced to rolling around on the floor in your state of non-sobriety, and it’s your mother calling for a pleasant chat.

- Or it’s your boss calling you in to work. But at least you sound convincing when you say “I’m in no state to work”.

- Having an intimate moment alone with your man in the kitchen, then looking out the window to look into the shocked/disgusted/aroused eyes of the guy that lives in the flat next door.

- And then your boyfriend waves to him.

- Putting your media player on “random” a song like “Freestyler” comes on… while in the middle of having sex.


You can rock MY microphone, BABY.

** BONUS STORYTIME **: When I was going out with my then-boyfriend a few years ago, we were doing what most teenagers with hormones do. Hurriedly, he put media player on random so as to disguise suspicious noises from his parents. In the midst of the throes of awkward, teenage passion, Tenacious D’s “Wonderboy” started playing.

It was very hard not to sing along or throw him off so I could crack up laughing when Jack Black says “That’s telekenesis, Kyle! How about the power…to move you?”



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