Dirty, dirty, DIRTY.

My friend Linda got hit on by two guys today. I teased her about it, of course, because this is the second story I’ve heard recently about men en masse vying for her affections.

“You stud,” I said.

She paused. “You know,” she said, “it’s always when I’m not looking or feeling my best. Today I was sleep deprived and stressed out from assignments. And I haven’t washed my hair for ages.”

Let’s look at case study two. My friend Aaron was having a jolly old stroll around the Queen St Mall just the other day. His self esteem was kicked up a few notches when he caught a few apparently cute girls checking him out. “You sure get all the ladies,” I teased.

“I know,” he said, “and I haven’t showered for the last three days either.”

Case study three: A man who wouldn’t look out of place as the lead singer of a band, with long scraggly hair, stubble and dirty jeans, almost always gets me swooning. I have absolutely no idea why.

I was also once chatted up on the bus (by a disgusting man I might add), on a day in which I had a remarkable blizzard of dandruff in my hair. Really, it was not me being paranoid, it was very obvious and in giant white flakes that sprinkled all over the black shirt I’d unwisely chosen to wear that morning. This did not stop the man on the bus from giving me his phone number, however.

What does this mean? It can only mean one thing, ladies and gentlemen, something that could benefit all of mankind and explain a lot of things.

UNWASHED = SEXY

Who knows why this phenomenon exists? Perhaps it is an ancient biological urge dating back to when we were Neanderthals and deodorant wasn’t invented yet. The human race got started somehow, right? Perhaps we are all too used to perfect, airbrushed, make-upped people, and dirtiness is like a secret, forbidden fetish. Perhaps BO is actually a pheromone.

What does this explain, you ask? It explains why some mind bogglingly disgusting people I know have gotten laid.

So, if you wish to attract a member of the opposite sex, do the following:

- Let them inhale your sweet, natural scent, by not showering.

- People like shiny things, and you know what’s really shiny? Greasy, unwashed hair.

- A lot of beauty advertisements tell us that looking natural is the way to go. You can’t get any more natural than unshaved armpit and leg hair.

- Let people know how much of a sexy, devilish night owl you are, by not sleeping and growing some sensuous bags under your eyes.

I hope this has been of some use to you. You’ll be shagging like wild monkeys* in no time!

* Eating each other’s nits optional.