Ellie's guide to bitchfights

I am unbelievably bored at uni. I'm also on a Mac and I don't know how to use the bloody thing. At least it's nice and shiny.

I wish I could write something profound and witty about politics right about now but let's face it, Australian politics are absolutely ridiculous right now. The entire Brian Burke "drama" sounds like a particularly juvenile bitch fight.

John Howard: "Like, oh my god, you can't be friends with Brian Burke! He's such a fat skanky slut. How could you! LOL!"
Kevin Rudd: "Whatchoo talkin' about girlfriend?! We are like so totally over. I haven't seen that bitch since like, ever."
Ian Campbell: "I HAVE."
John Howard: "Oh my god you are like, SO out of here."

And if there's one thing I know well, it's juvenile bitch fights. Hell, I went to an all-girl's school for 12 years.

Ellie's Guide to the Bitchfight
In this guide, I will identify the people involved in bitchfights, and how to deal with them.

The Bitchee
A not-so exotic creature, the bitchee is the one who inevitably starts the drama. Everybody ends up ganging up on the bitchee. She comes in two varieties - the totally innocent victim of a bunch of angry bitches, or a totaly idiot.

- The Boy Stealer
She will have done a social no-no that relates to boys. OH NO, NOT BOYS. Their opinions mean everything! This means "stealing your man" (because it's not like the guy has consciously chosen to feel her up instead of you or anything like that) or hitting on a dude you like or who you are going out with. But really, the possibilities are absolutely endless when it comes to boys. The bitchee in this situation can occasionally be a total idiot who brings it on themselves.

How to deal with The Boy Stealer:
First of all, be very sure that she actually IS trying to get into the pants of a certain dude. If she's saying very obvious things like, "Well, I guess I'll just STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND", then you can be pretty sure she's going to do something lame (seriously, this has happened to me) . Sometimes these bitchees are quite innocent and can get the rap because they're touchy feely or affectionate people. This isn't a cause for concern really, unless the dude in question is getting a boner over it, but that's his fault, not the Boy Stealer's.

So she's cracking onto your dude? That's never right. Ever.

It is an unwritten law in the social code to make moves on a guy you like, a guy you're going out with, or an ex you're not over. It's wrong on so many levels. What to do with her? First, ask the dude in question what's going on between you two. If you trust him and he says, "nothing", then that's okay. As for the boy stealer, make it very clear and very obvious that the dude is YOURS. Not theirs. YOURS. And that their association with the guy is making you uncomfortable. If for some reason they're so dense that they don't get it or that they'd rather play grab ass with some guy than be considerate towards your feelings, then they're crappy people. Don't bother with them.

- The Loser
She's the loser that some patronising dimwit felt sorry for and let into your totally kool group. She's okay at first, but she starts getting to everybody. Her terrible jokes, bad haircut, the way she tries to join your conversations about stuff she clearly knows nothing about... yeah guys, this was me at one point. Huzzah!

How to deal with The Loser:
As I'm speaking from personal experience from the Loser's point of view... I really have no idea. And I'm embarrassed to say that I've been quite rude in the past to losers in other groups. I guess the best thing to do is be polite and try not to give off any sort of impression that you want to be close to her. She'll probably get the message and move on to other friends.

The Bitch
The bitch is quite a mysterious creature. She can come in many illogical, cruel, and manipulative forms and varieties.

- The Leader of the Gang
You've wronged her, you skank! And therefore, nobody deserves to be your friend ever. She'll complain to all your friends about you about what a horrible person you are. The incident in which you pissed her off so badly will be forgotten as your bad qualities and all the lame things you've EVER done will resurface. Bombarded with this overload of evil information, your friends and even perhaps people you don't really know that well will turn against you.

How to deal with the Leader of the Gang:
Seriously, if your very own friends are turning against you, then they're pretty crap friends. Unless you've done something really bad, then you probably deserve it. The best thing to do is LEAVE. You do not need to be around people like this. Do not try and defend or patch things up with the Leader, nor the gang. It will get extremely messy. Leave them alone so they can bitch about you, who cares. Besides, you can always make new friends. There's a lot of people in the world, you know.

- The Batshit Insane Nutbar
Why is she so angry? No one knows. Some ambiguous event will trigger off her psycho button and she'll burble ill-formed reasons at you at why you fail at life. You'll hear all of this either screamed down the phone or TYPED IN CAPS!!!!LOL!!! on msn. Oh noes. You'll either have no idea what the hell she's on about, or it will be glaringly obvious that her reasons for wanting to kill you are completely wrong. Most of the time, though, she's brought it on herself, but she'll act like a victim of your evil ways.

How to deal with the Batshit Insane Nutbar:
Haha, what a psycho. You don't need to give someone like this the time of day. You can give as many excuses and logical reasons as you like, but she'll make the argument go round in a circle. Usually this sort of person thinks that they're fantastic and right all the time, and will probably ignore everything you say. Probably because she's screaming too loud. Just don't bother. Laugh at her stupidity and leave.

- The Two Faced Wonder
I probably hate these type of bitches the most because they make me quite paranoid. They act very nice to you. In fact they'll dance with you, give you hugs, tell you that you're their bestest friend ever and generally be quite lovely. But sometimes you'll detect a tiny hint of sarcasm in her voice, or just something a bit off. Later, you find out that she actually hates your guts and has the entire time. She was just being nice to you because she felt sorry for you. Or didn't have the balls to end a friendship, either way.

How to deal with the Two Faced Wonder:
Eek, this is a tricky one. Most of the time you won't even suspect that you're dealing with someone like this. And when you do, it's a kick to the gut. The most humiliating thing ever. If you do suspect someone is like this, keep your distance. Don't get too close. If it gets very obvious that they're not feeling very cool towards you, just ask what's going on because they'll most probably answer.


The Verdict
I have no bleeding clue why girls are like this. This stuff can either end in a lot of laughs at whoever was the most psycho, or something more serious like getting your car vandalised (I know a lot of people this has happened to).

That's not to say I've ever dealt with bitchfights in the best way. I'm ashamed to admit it, but I've probably been all of those things above, both the bitchee and the bitch, at some point. I'm not the most mature of people at times, and I'm sure a lot of other people aren't as well. If you're ever in a bitchfight, just try to think through things the most mature and rational way you can. Because most of the time, you'll rise above it and realise that you've got better things to do than fight about boys.