How not to Fail on the Internet pt 1: Internet Dating

I started writing a guide on How not to Fail on the Internet and it's getting rather long. I decided that instead of posting a novel, I'll post the guide in installments.

Today's topic - Meeting Pedophiles, I mean, Internet Dating

Some of you may know that I met my man of choice over myspace. I am clearly a sad, pathetic loser with no social skills and he is a sexual predator. Ahem. Before I met Dan, other fellows on myspace were keen on meeting up with me. I took my gut feelings most of the time. A lot of them gave off creepy vibes and I wisely cut contact with them. I shall tell you how to tell which ones are worth crossing the barrier from internet to real life and which ones are in it to lure you into a van with the promises of sweet, sweet candy.
(Unfortunately, the examples I am providing are true – the good ones AND the bad ones).



Contrary to popular belief, not everybody who meets someone from the internet looks like this.

It’s a lot like real life, I suppose, except that you can’t tell whether they have bad BO or not. The first thing someone says to you can tell a lot about them. I have a rule about creepy people; if they act like they’re very close to you when you first meet them, they’re creepy.

Correct:
“Hi, how are you?”

Wrong:
“You are hot. Will you be my girlfriend? I would like to give you a sensual French massage.”

Pictures! Pictures are way important if you want to meet somebody, and not just because you want to see how big their boobies are. Avoid the ones who show you photos that look a bit professional (altered in photoshop to cover up the ugly), with their face covered (hats, sunglasses, weird lighting), or shirtless ones (eew, eew, eeeww). After all, if they can’t trust you enough to show you what they really look like, how can you trust meeting them?



An example of a failed attempt to cover up grossness with photoshop.

Eventually, you’ll start talking to them properly. Finding that you have an affinity for video games and funky fruit hats, you may wish to meet. That’s great! You should then pay attention to the way in which they wish to meet you:


Correct (after talking for a few weeks):

“Doing anything this Thursday? We should grab lunch or something.”


Wrong (after ONE conversation):
“I’d love to take you out to a candlelit dinner. Just you and me… alone.” Slurp.

The actual meeting of said person over the internet can be fraught with danger. Think of it like a blind date. Try and meet in a public area so you can run away screaming into safety if they're not the cute boy with the bulging six pack you saw in the photo, but rather a 40 year old serial killer with manboobs. And then it’s pretty much a normal date from there. Good luck and don’t get herpes!

(thankyou to Something Awful for the hideous myspace photos)