Fight Like a Girl

My black belt grading for taekwondo is coming up soon. I can't wait! To me, I imagine myself getting a black belt and suddenly gaining ultimate superpowers. One tends to think a bit like that when doing martial arts and playing too many video games, I suppose. All that talk about chi energy and "pushing the stone" makes me think of Dragon Ball Z.

I can just see it now...

"Congratulations, you have now received your black belt."
The wisened old master held the belt in his outstretched hands. It glowed, shimmering slightly. My name, embroidened in gold thread down the belt, foretold my destiny. My destiny as a fighter. A warrior for justice.
Quivering slightly, I accepted the belt from him. It felt oddly light in my arms. "Thankyou," I whispered, bowing my head in reverence.
Suddenly, a horde of ninjas dropped down from the ceiling! They landed with a clatter of katanas onto the ground. The other students screamed, rolling out of the way. "We have been waiting for this day," hissed who I assumed was the leader of the ninjas. "It is time for you... to die!"
He drew a long, silvery sword, the thin edges glittering under the lights. Rushing at me, he roared an ancient battle cry of fallen warriors: "BUKKAKE!"
"Remember," whispered the master from behind me, a ninja holding a dagger to his throat, "remember what I taught you."
I shut my eyes, breathing slowly. Focus on your chi energy, I thought to myself. Focus.
And then, I felt it. It rushed into my body, the aggressive energy of fire and the calmness of the water. I breathed in. It gathered into the ends of my fingertips, burning and desperate to escape...
"HADOOO-KAMEHAMAHA!" I screamed, thrusting* the supernova ball of destruction towards the ninjas. They scattered all over the floor, clutching themselves as they had to brace for the blast. Dead.
My master stood up. "You are truly worthy of this black belt," he said. "For this, I shall honour you with the master sword."
Daaa-naaa-naaa-naaaaaaa!**


* Hee hee.
** Legend of Zelda sound effect for when you find stuff

Oh dear.
Really, I'm looking forward to getting a black belt just so I can mention, "Oh, I'm a black belt in taekwondo." Not only because it sounds so cool, but so people don't look at me and think I'm some sort of small, submissive Oriental mail-order bride. Rather, they shall view me as a terrifying force to be reckoned with! Like an O-Ren Ishii, or Miho from Sin City. Watch out!

ABOVE: Me in a few years, hopefully.

If only I had been able to block that kick to the knee in training the other night. Dammit, who ever heard of a limping ninja?