Great Musical Mysteries

What is music? For some, it is a creative outlet for personal self expression. Others use it as a means to make profit by mass-marketing consumer popularity. Some just like making a shitload of noise.

But sometimes music doesn't make sense at all.

In no particular order, here are my personal Top 5 Great Musical Mysteries!

1. Rihanna and the Numa Numa song.



Many internet geeks know about "the Numa Numa song", otherwise known as "Dragostea Din Tei" by Romanian pop group O-Zone. It was made famous by Gary Brolsma - your average nerd who thought it'd be a laugh to upload a video of himself singing and dancing along to it, way back in 2004. The video became a hit and had 13 million views by 2006.

Imgine my surprise when I heard the familiar lyric "Mi-a-hi, mi-a-ha", digitalised and sung to a hip hop beat by none other than Miss "Umberella, ella, ella" Rihanna herself.




The great mystery: Why Rihanna's producers thought it would be a good idea to cash in on a song made famous by a fat, dancing nerd.

Maybe it was so "Umberella" would sound less annoying by comparison?


2. Nick Cave and Kylie Minogue's duet

The darkest Australian musician meets "the singing budgie" with a fondness for gold hot pants and writes a song.



I must say I'm not a fan of either Nick Cave and Kylie Minogue. It also seems highly unlikely that any Nick Cave fan would like Kylie Minogue, and vice versa. Yet here they are singing a song about falling in love and killing each other. And it works.

The great mystery: Why is this song so goddamn good?

3. The lyrics to "My Humps"


What you gon' do with all that junk?
All that junk inside your trunk?
I'ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,
Get you love drunk off my humps,
Humps, my humps, my humps, my humps, my humps,
My humps, my humps, my humps, my lovely little humps (Check it out)

"How do you know what that means?"
"No one knows what it means. But it's provocative."
"No it's not!"
- Jon Heder and Will Ferrell in "Blades of Glory"



It doesn't really take a rocket scientist to figure out that "humps" refers to curves (or boobies).

But why "humps"? There are thousands of words for female body parts and she chose "hump", which makes me think of "heffalump" or someone who is horribly disfigured.

This particular verse:

They say I'm really sexy,
The boys they wanna sex me.
They always standing next to me,
Always dancing next to me,
Tryin' a feel my hump, hump.
Lookin' at my lump, lump.
You can look but you can't touch it,
If you touch it I'ma start some drama,
You don't want no drama,
No, no drama, no, no, no, no drama
So don't pull on my hand boy,
You ain't my man, boy,
I'm just tryn'a dance boy,
And move my hump.

... could easily sound like Fergie is singing about a disgusting tumour growing out of the side of her body.

The great mystery: Choosing the most unsexy word to sing about sexy you are.

4. The video clip to "Total Eclipse of the Heart"



I adore this song. Ever since I saw an old man singing it (really well!) in karaoke at the Victory Hotel, I love it. Bonnie Tyler has an amazing voice. The song itself is about the doubts and fears somebody can have in a relationship, but ultimately realising that love overpowers all.

So can anyone explain to me why Bonnie Tyler is wandering around a spooky old boarding school with creepy boys doing extra-cirricular activites around her?

The great mystery: What I just mentioned above. Plus, seriously, there are ninjas fighting in the middle of it!

5. Avril Lavigne's self-censorship
Oh, Avril Lavigne. You are hardcore like a 14 year old girl wearing an Emily the Strange shirt.

Ms Lavigne released an incredibly annoying song last year entitled "Girlfriend". I'm sure you all know it. In case you don't, here it is for your viewing pleasure! (Youtube won't let me embed the video for some reason).

At some point in her tirade to get some dude to cheat on his girlfriend, she declares "I'm the motherfucking princess!". Radio stations usually bleep these words out for the general public and to shield the kiddies from such naughty words. You can usually hear the uncensored, naughty version on the CD.

My ex worked in a CD shop around the time Avril's album came out and had to play the dreaded harpy's music all day. He noticed something a little off.

Indeed, you never hear "motherfucking" in the song at all. Avril sings "motherffffking" on the recording itself.

The great mystery: Avril Lavigne fails at being hardcore, even when she says "motherfucking".