I don't understand how parents could be so selfish. I'm not sure what it's like in New Zealand, but Australian children have a tendency to make fun of everybody's names, especially if they're slightly unusual. Hell, even if they're normal! Why do you think every male in Australia has a ridiculous nickname?
My full name is Eloise. El-oh-weez. A name dating back for centuries, though it is somewhat uncommon. It is constantly misspelt, mispronounced and inspires dippy teachers to trill "Ooh, that's a lovely French name!" which is highly irrelevant, because anyone looking at me would know how French I am. It is a name that I constantly associate with annoyance.
This is the 12th century abbess, Heloise, one of the most well-known women in history with my name. Here she is writing the correct spelling of her name. "No, it's not Louise with an E, you uneducated fuckwit!"
A (not anymore) friend in primary school suddenly realised that the word "wee" was in my name. "Haha!" she screeched. "Hello ELLO-WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!"
It wasn't hilarious the first time and it certainly wasn't hilarious the next ten thousand times after that. So I forced everybody to call me Ellie. Then I became Ellie Smelly. Goddammit, why couldn't I have been called Kate like everybody else I know?
But that's nothing on how much worse it would be if your name was Midnight Chardonnay. Really, I think their mother must have been sculling the stuff when she came up with that name. Pseudo-sophisticated names are awful and tend to be the product of a bogan who's trying to be classy. Schappelle and Mercedes, anybody?
Schappelle Corby was imprisoned in Indonesia for having a crap name.
I once had a friend who wanted to name her future son Bailey. Which is a nice name, except that she was naming him after the Irish cream variety (most commonly found in Cocksucking Cowboys). I thought it was quite cute at the time, but it's a bit skanky now that I think about it. Imagine going through several hours of labour, looking down at your softly, weeping newborn, and saying, "Oh, she's beautiful. I will name her Fruit Tingle."
"Mummy, where did I come from?"
"Well, I took one nip of vodka, and one nip of blue curacao, shook it in a cocktail shaker and poured it over ice with some red cordial and lemonade..."
Though I still think the worst name I have ever heard of was a woman who named her daughter Vagina.
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4 comments:
Great Post. This reminds me of some of the weird names I ran into at school. At one stage, there was a shakira, a shakaya and shatoya all in the same class. I think it's actually a very american thing to put two names together to create a new name. It's like they can't decide whether they want to call the child melissa or tracey, so they settle on meliracy. Oh, and I think now is the right time to announce the name of my yet to be concieved child - Absolut Grape.
All I have to say is:
-NUMBER 16 BUS SHELTER,
-TULA DOES THE HULA FROM HAWAII, -BENSON & HEDGES [set of twins]
Schappelle Corby was imprisoned in Indonesia for having a crap name.
AHHAHAHA!
And for real was 'Number 16 Bus Shelter' (from the article) a *real* name? Cause that's so messed up if it is!!! :O
Thanks for keeping me up to date with those crazy NZ bogans, Ellie!
Much love! (L)(L)(L)
- Jake :D XOOXOX
I often got called stuff like "door matt" all pretty unoriginal. The most original would be from my father's friend who saw me after I grew a fair bit, which was "carpet" as I was too big to be called a mat any longer...
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